I don't feel good. Maybe it's all in my head. I believe that the mind can manifest symptoms in the body; a stressed, tired and starved mind will manifest in the body. I have been neglecting my personal health. My dating life is non-existent, my friends are sadly neglected. Going to the gym, that is a laughable idea. I don't feel depressed, I've battled depression before, it didn't feel like this. Maybe it is depression, it can take on different forms, but I don't think that's it. I am in a good spot, I love my apartment, my jobs are great, I feel overall quite content with life. But…
I feel sick. Something in my body isn't working right. When I look up all my symptoms on WEBMD; I am dying. It's terminal, but then life tends to be terminal, eventually. This has been going on for a while, months, years even. I couldn't or didn't get my family doctor to take my complaints seriously, maybe I minimized them? I don't like to complain, I'm more of a suffer in silence type. I have suspected my thyroid has been on the slow side for a while, but I never had proof. Thyroid tests came back in the “normal” range, but my antibodies weren't tested. I pursued my failing health complaints with a naturopath. She seemed to take my symptoms at face value, and just help me work to feel better.
A brief history, or flash back style back-story:
4 years ago, I was stressed, having gone thru a major break up, job change and move. I was fat and tired and cried every day. Dealing with my depression became my #1 priority, a hormone imbalance and thyroid were addressed but not as much of a priority. I worked hard with my naturopath and a counselor to battle the war with my emotional and mental health. Under-eating and starving my body and brain had slowed my metabolism, I had low self-worth, no self compassion, and a terrible work-life balance. My average day started anxiously awake at 5 am, a cry to start my day, and a shower. I would go to work without breakfast, often grabbing a latte or two from Starbucks to console my broken heart with sugar and whipping cream. Rare was a day I could make it 8 hours without having a cry, and I worked 6 or 7 days a week. I would come home from work, eat some junk food, and go to bed. Crying myself to sleep. I was in bad shape.
I knew I had to make changes.
I invested in myself, paying for the therapy and naturopath, and starting a weight loss blog. That first blog was a sad read those first few weeks, despair thinly veiled with optimism, but it was a good way for my friends and family to check up on me.
I was alive, I was at work, I had a fresh box of tissues. And spoons in the freezer, (this is a great way to bring down swelling in your eyelids after a big cry). I started a program, soy based shakes for breakfast and lunch with a healthy dinner (ignorant to the effects of soy to my thyroid). I would walk for 30 minutes every day after work, twice a week I would try a fitness class, living in a new town and knowing no one but my co-workers, I had to get out of my apartment.
It took a solid 6 months of weekly visits with healthcare professionals before I started to feel better, almost without note, I would only cry once a day, I worked a little less, I made a friend in the new town. My 30 minute walks would get longer, and farther. I saw a sparkle again, but I was only half way there. Weekly therapy became monthly until my therapist felt I had the tools to cope, my naturopath was treating a hormone imbalance (really low progesterone), vitamin deficiency and suspected low thyroid. I was reading self-love and self-help books like a mad woman. I still had to learn to love myself.
All of this activity, calorie counting and exercise resulted in some weight loss, but it was painfully slow. I started doing some research on paleo, thyroid and nutrition. High fat, low-fat, low carb, no carb, macro, blood type diet, calorie counting and all the sort. I decided that if the thyroid was my issue, the soy based shakes had to go. I found a fantastic gym partner and we embarked on both a training and diet program (carb cycling). I still didn't see results. Well, not the results I wanted, in total from the depressed cry all the time self; I had lost 35 Lbs.
My weight loss blog morphed into a public journal and a dating blog, and I decided that I would go on a date for every pound I lost. It was exhausting, pulling focus from my self repair and renewal to online dating. I learned a lot about myself, and the Internet. Did you know people LIE on the Internet? So crazy… I know. This is where I met Raj, one of my crazy online dates, and our friendship begins!
Raj challenged me to eat paleo for 30 days, which turned to 60, and then 90, and theprimaldesire.com was born.
Those first paleo days were rough, I am a sugar and sweet fiend, in case you couldn't tell from my baking and treats recipes. I think I suffered from a “carb flu” and I still had no energy. Something still wasn't right, but eating paleo had made me feel a little better, and I had lost some weight. 10-15 lbs.
In the last few months, Raj has been a great motivator for me to talk to my family physician instead of just suffering, or guessing at what is wrong. I stopped taking my naturopath prescribed thyroid supplements (desiccated pig thyroid, selenium, iodine) in order to get a far past due baseline reading of my T3, T4 and antibodies. I am waiting to see my Dr early next week for results. I am hoping this will give me some answers. If it's not my thyroid being lazy, what is causing this: fatigue, ache, hair loss? Why do I want to sleep 10 hours a night and then have a nap? Why can I not seem to lose weight?
I need to practice self compassion
My body is a crazy amazing machine, and even with a few extra lumps and curves, I need to love it. I need to feed it, and rest if I feel like it. Cry if I want to, and have patience that with a little effort and tune up it will be back to top form in good time.